July 25, 2007 - Wednesday

July 25, 2007 - Wednesday

everything i know i learned from hollywood: part I

In my never ending effort to illuminate the finer points of North American culture for my European friends I would like to offer up a few thoughts about the Hollywood Blockbuster movie.
Hollywood Blockbusters have been ravaging the European lands for hundreds of years. They are worse than the Black Plague in that respect. They seemingly come out of nowhere preceded by a fierce and colourful marketing campaign designed to beat you into senselessness about it's imminent arrival ("ON JUNE THIRTEENTH BE PREPARED TO SHIT YOURSELF "). Aside from the plastering of ancient walls with colourful posters of booty and explosions, or half-lit serious actor faces, they attack Europeans on the radio, television, and before the films themselves. These snippets of an impending Hollywood Blockbuster are called 'trailers' and usually involve a rumbling dramatic male voice saying things like:

"WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE BALSAMIC VINEGAR TRAPPED ON A PLANET OF ANGRY WARRIOR SHITZUS… AND YOU HAVE NO WAY HOME? BILLY IS ABOUT TO FIND OUT."

"MEET ALBERT. ALBERT'S LEFT HAND IS A SKILLET. MEET JENNIFER. JENNIFER'S FACE IS A CHICKEN CORDON BLEU. ALBERT AND JENNIFER ARE ABOUT TO MEET FOR THE FIRST TIME."

"…JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME IS ERIKSON MEGAWOOD –HE IS ANGRY… AND HE WILL KICK YOU IN THE FACE!"

Europeans have a very dim view of Hollywood Blockbusters because they feel that it insults their intelligence and turns their brains into split pea soup. They feel that inherently crap writing, bad acting, and unrealistic scenarios are often thinly disguised with cheap theatrics, loud noises and colourful special effects. They feel jaded having to filter through the twaddle to find anything half-way decent. They are annoyed with constantly being confronted with sequels in which the plot is vaguely re-arranged for the next movie in the series.

They feel that it is difficult to actually see a Hollywood Blockbuster Movie as you have to sit through about twenty minutes of production house logos ("TriStar Pictures in association with 20th Century Fox, present a film by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer and Touchstone Pictures, brought to you by New Line Cinema") flying towards you at a great velocity accompanied by loud noises that sound like car doors being slammed, or cellos being beaten with a human skull. When you have actually reached the point where the movie begins you are then forced into a state of nauseous vertigo. Hollywood achieves this by giving the special effects department enough crystal meth to fuel a donkey-run from Paris to Dubai. The special effects department then sets to work creating an intro which makes you feel as if you're traveling rapidly somewhere: you are skimming over some countryside or a cityscape dangerously low to the ground, or you are zipping through a tunnel made up of stylized computer graphic spider webs which then morphs into a tube of hot molten lava which then morphs into zipping through a glass of pink lemonade whereupon you end up in someone's mouth, which is dark, and cues the actual plot to kick in. A very common trick of making you ill during the intro is to zoom in on something: you're in space approaching earth, which becomes a landmass, which becomes a city, which becomes one apartment, which becomes one dude in that apartment, which becomes the dude's eyeball, which then becomes his iris, which then becomes his brain, which then becomes his neurons, which then… well, you get the picture.

Anyway.

Luckily for my daunted European friends I have absolutely no life and spend most of my time watching films; from Hollywood Blockbusters to, as I like to call them, "Decent Flicks". Through careful research of the scientific variety, and long lonely nights of staring bug-eyed at my dad's television which is slightly larger than a sedan, I have accumulated extensive insight into the world of the Hollywood Blockbuster and have found them to be a dynamic suppositories of wisdom, integrity, and fundamental education.

Here are some things I've learned from the Hollywood Blockbuster:

From Action Movies:
People…
There are Good People and Bad People.
Bad People can be divided into two categories: Underlings, and the Very Bad Person.
The Underlings usually outnumber the Good People seven to one. They never have a proper shave and are into rape. Often they have accents (usually British) and are very insulting. They sweat copiously. They tend to hang in groups of two or three and, although wily and overly-confident, are easily dispatched in ascending order of hierarchy.

The Very Bad Person is always the last to die. Despite being the brains of any nefarious operation they often don't get the hint that it's time to leave. Even though all their Underlings are being systematically killed in ascending order. Maybe it's because they themselves know that they are quite tricky to kill; often needing to die in an extremely elaborate –yet somehow Dr. Seuss poetry– manner that involves much pain, screaming, and righteous rage at being killed. After slaying a Very Bad Person it is often helpful nudge them a few time with your boot in order to verify their death. If you have dropped a building on a bad person, thrown them off a cliff, drove over them with a car, and blew them up, be sure to find the body so that you can shoot them in the face. Then nudge them with your boot. Never ever bring your face close to them to check for vital signs. This always revives them.

Good people can also be divided into two categories.

Helpful But Easily Killed People, and the Very Good Person.

Helpful But Easily Killed People are often helpful but die quickly. Usually they are fairly likable and simple folk. They can come in any shape, financial background, creed, or colour –but generally are not quite as good-looking as the Very Good Person, unless they will fuck (or are fucking) the Very Good Person. Sometimes they can start off as an Underling and laterally shift to a Helpful But Easily Killed Person via the moral berating of a Very Good Person. This shift often lowers their sex drive –although they still like to do it. They are often quickly confused but always have a single useful skill; such as being adept at reading blueprints. Sometimes their particular skill is explaining the plot to the Very Good Person.

The Very Good Person, in many ways, shares the traits of the Very Bad Person: they are never very ugly, they have clever things to say about many situations, and they are difficult to kill. Generally they are not as cool as the Very Bad Person (in my opinion) but are very athletic with Olympic-level skills in the Long Jump, the Hundred Meter Dash, and Boxing. Although they are equipped to expertly use any vehicle including an F16, mini-submersible, hovercraft, llama, and dragon, they are particularly good with cars, often able to drive them at great speeds while hanging on to the hood. This serves greatly in their favor when attempting to commandeer a car from an Underling, as Underlings tend to fall out of cars quite easily.

Very Good People also bounce. They can fall great distances, sustain several gunshot wounds, and have buildings collapse on them but are able to recover from their injuries fairly quickly –often forgetting about them entirely. This is partially because Very Good People know that a good cauterization will solve any medical condition; from being stabbed in the neck, to a burst appendix.

The Very Good People also do not scream like a girl, piss themselves, or emit staccato farts while walking up stairs.

Explosions…
Explosions do not kill or even maim. They do not deafen, shock, or cause enough shrapnel to turn you into a cheese grater. At the very most they can launch a normal human several hundred fun meters. They generally occur moments after someone has thrown themselves out of a house (or building, or car, or cupboard, etc.) and often aid people by tweaking their flight farther out of range of the billowing flames.

People themselves can, however, explode, but this sometimes does not kill them. Especially if they are Very Bad People.

Bombs are always disarmed at the final millisecond before detonation.
Toasters, mobile phones, lamp posts, trees, and gloves can explode with the same intensity as a large metal container filled with pressurized gasoline.

Shooting large metal containers of pressurized gasoline will always cause them to explode. Usually they are located near Bad People.

By the same token, a fierce gun battle amidst explosive items (such as a nuclear power plant) will not cause anything to explode. Until, of course, the main Good People have just left.

Guns…

Guns are mostly harmless.

They rarely have recoil and the safety is never on. Furthermore, no one significant can be killed by a single gunshot. Often to put someone down for good, especially if they are a Bad Person, requires several gunshots. Usually to the chest. This is because if you blow someone's face off it is difficult to glean their look of utter shock at being shot in the first place.

Very Good people are never shot in the face. Very Good people are usually shot in the shoulder within inches of their heart. Sometimes they are shot in the leg, arm, and –but very rarely– the belly. All such wounds are easily ignored within seconds –except for the belly wound. The belly shot will cause major discomfort but still allow the woundee (sp?) to run for cauterization many miles away.

People wearing kevlar vests are never shot in the head.

Ammunition is cheap and magical. Many guns are able to fire hundreds of bullets without needing reloading. If they need to be reloaded this is done quickly and efficiently. Reloading occurs as often as necessary because, although bullets may be limited, clips containing them are not.

Bullets hit the dirt in a series of minor explosions behind someone that is running, especially if they are running in a straight line to an obvious place of cover. The bullets will never out-race the running person to their sanctuary, even though, through basic laws of geometry, it is easier to turn a gun muzzle a short distance than to run a great one.

A hail of bullets is not necessarily a bad thing if you have some cover; like a rock, some deep water, or a piece of foam.

The ricochet and subsequent injury by flying bullets is very rare unless it has been established that an environment has this effect on bullets. If the environment has this effect a bullet can ricochet up to five times before coming to a rest. Usually in someone's thigh.

It is possible to disarm a person with a gun pointed at you three inches from your face.
If they are farther away it is possible to disarm them with a kick.

A person can be rendered unconscious via a single blow to the head with the butt of a gun.
Guns are very light and can fit anywhere on your body without any discomfort. Often this place is on the waist or in a jacket pocket without noticeably weighing them down. It can also be in your sock, shirt cuff, butt crack, or hair.

Good People have better aim than Bad People.

Other things that poke holes in people…
Swords are deadly, keep away from them. Although Very Good People and Very Bad People are generally spared the embarrassment of becoming an amputee as a result of sword-play a single thrust will kill them more surely than several shots in the chest. The same can be said about spears. Though, be wary Underlings and Helpful But Easily Killed People; you are quite prone to losing limbs, eyeballs and such.

Arrows, although generally not deadly, can be of great annoyance, causing you to have to wrench them out of your body with a great roar of rage.

A warning to Very Bad People: You tend to impale yourselves on things that poke holes in people as part of your elaborate death. As a general rule you should stay away from anything sharp.
Being chased by things…

Often people are chased by things. Sometimes these things are Very Good People, Underlings or Helpful But Easily Killed People, sometimes they are very angry mammals, sometimes they are electronic; like robots or washing machines, or sometimes they are simply gifted children who want your autograph. Whatever the case may be, the best way to escape (and this is amazing to me) is to be faster than them. The most convenient form of escape tends to be the automobile. Automobiles are easily had anywhere that is populated. They can be started by jiggling some wires beneath the steering wheel, or –as I've mentioned before– throwing an Underling or a Helpful But Easily Killed Person out of a moving one. Remember, if you don't like the car that you're in you can always throw yourself out any speed. The same goes for ski-doos, horses, and aircrafts.

If you decide to escape in a car just remember to squeal your tires whenever you accelerate or stop. Horses should rear on their hind legs by the same token.
Escape: Windows…

Escape is always possible by throwing oneself through a plate glass window. As it turns out, the higher the window is from ground level, the less thick the glass is. This is useful to know for causing the death of an Underlings on your way up to elaborately kill the Very Bad Person. Simply bouncing off glass, as you would the Surprise Sliding-Door at the shopping mall, rarely occurs.

Escape: Just jump…

It doesn't matter whether you are on the top of Petronas towers in Kuala Lumpur or the edge of Angel Falls in Venezuela; if you are a Very Good Person surrounded by Underlings, or the Very Bad Person themselves, just jump. It's that easy. There will always be something to break your fall, like some bushes or a toddler.

Escape: Stealth…

It's possible to be stealthlike even when a very dramatic musical score is blaring right in your ears. Although it might be difficult to escape in utter darkness because you bump into things, be thankful that utter darkness does not exist. There is always a little light coming from somewhere, even if it's your wristwatch. Generally the people that bump into things in semi-darkness are Helpful But Easily Killed People and Underlings, so it's okay. These people exist to die in order that you live.

Remember: If you are wearing black you cannot be seen.

Okay, time to sneak out of here.

To Be Continued.