Firstly, I’d like to welcome both sides of my family to this gathering for my dad’s 65th birthday. I have to say this is probably stranger for me than it is for you. Part of it is because I only recently became able to understand half of my family, and the other half spoke Dutch. Mostly, though, it’s strange to see both sides of your genetic disposition in such enormous numbers.
By the way, you can easily identify the Dutch people among you because they are the one’s congratulating you on my father’s birthday. I’ve always found this a little strange because it is, in fact, his birthday. He’s the one that made it to 65, so stop stealing his thunder by congratulating other people.
I often wonder if this are one of the things that caused him to leave the shores of Holland almost 40 years ago to make a life for himself in this country. The specifics of his exodus, however, remain not entirely clear considering his Dutch relatives are very nice people, and Ottawa is boring as hell. It’s also not entirely clear how he feels about a son that returned to the same place he was trying to escape from in the first place.
These are the larger questions I’ve had about his life. It’s weird that I have questions at all considering that, as of this birthday, I’ve known him for more than half of his.
Interestingly I Googled “65 years old” and the first thing that came up was the Wikipedia entry for “Old age”. Further reading of this entry brings you to psychologist Erik Erikson and his "Eight Stages of Life" theory. Apparently the stage my dad’s in is the one characterized by "Integrity vs. Despair". during which a person focuses on reflecting back on their life. Somehow I don’t see my dad reflecting much on his life. So I thought I might reflect on his life on his behalf.
This will be in the form of My Dad’s Life Rules based on his past experiences, and my observations of him.
1) You are the smartest person in the room no matter who you’re in the room with. If there is a possibility that you may be wrong, bend your immediate reality to fit into your belief system.
2) Ogling women is only successful as long as everyone near you feels uncomfortable by the intensity at which you ogle them. This can be done by extensively staring at a woman’s cleavage while giving them non-committal answers to any discussion you may be having.
3) The amount of concentration devoted to reading rises in direct proportion to the amount that someone wants to get you attention. Theoretically if my father ever fought in war he would do his best reading under sustained fire.
4) Babies are great unless they’re your own. If by accident you have your own baby, treat them with disdain and apprehension until you can beat them repeatedly at chess.
5) Continuing from number 4. It’s not enough to beat your child at any game. It’s necessary to totally bury them with your superior tactical strategy to the point where they are reduced to tears of anger and frustration. Then, offer to play them again, and then when they finally agree, destroy them. Repeat as necessary.
6) Your native language is best expressed in a sudden loudly yelled string of curse words, particularly when you injure yourself.
7) Cursing is generally used when you receive head and thumb injuries, however, it is also acceptable when you decide to surf down a set of stairs on your brother’s laptop.
8) Anybody that says picking their nose is a hobby is badly mistaken. It is a career choice and a way of life. There is no shame in picking it in public places and flicking it at the nearest corner.
9) Jokes and Anecdotes are like Chinese food. It gets better each time you reheat it and retell it.
1 You can dance if you want to, you can leave your friends behind, cause if your friends can’t dance, and if they don’t dance, then they’re no friends of mine.
11) Cooking food is not an art, it’s a process of meticulous engineering. That being said, instincts have no part in cooking food. Set the timer for every single process. This not only determines precisely when the lamb cutlets should be turned, but also induces Pavlovian hunger and malice for anybody waiting to eat.
12) Names are not important especially if they are your Son’s girlfriends. This relates to rule number one, in that if you called your son’s girlfriend his previous girlfriend’s name – or a name you simply invented -- it’s their fault because they don’t have the correct name anyway.
13) Bowel movements are a moment of intense celebration. You, after all, have accomplished something great. Each bowel movement should be accompanied by a warrior cry, as if you have slain your worst enemy.
14) A few words about love: If you find that you are falling in love with someone, you must absolutely remember this one important thing: mbmbmbmlbmbmblbmbmbl
15) It’s absolutely fine to drive long distances with you left turn signal on, even though you plan on making no left turns.
16) Genetics have nothing to do with hair loss, it’s all about using Johnson’s baby shampoo religiously.
17) Along the same lines, using a comb is a sign of weakness.
Now this all may seem like criticisms, and they are. But I believe these last three make up for it.
18) It’s the little things that bug him. The big things, that would make anyone else panic and become hysterical, are the ones that make him focus. The man has the most coolest head in a difficult situation I’ve ever met. In short, when faced with difficulty, and life it beating you down, don’t panic. Stop and figure on a solution.
19) I have never heard the man ever say an unkind word about anybody. Ever. Stop and think about that for a second. He is totally non-judgemental. He simply doesn’t hate. He takes everybody at face value. So, try not to judge people.
20) He wants to help you. If you are within his scope of perception, even if you’re on the periphery he wants to assist you somehow. He wants to solve your problem, help you build something, find a better way for you to do something. I am convinced that almost everyone around here tonight has been helped by him in one way or another. And it’s generally been something big. If it hasn’t happened yet it’s because you haven’t been around him long enough
This last point is quite important when you consider that I’ve been around him my whole life either physically or mentally. It makes me a very lucky man indeed. And dad, I thank you for that.
Happy Birthday dad, ik hou van je.
