January 16, 2007 - Tuesday

January 16, 2007 - Tuesday
stupid notes on historical events relating to my birthdate
588 BC - Nebuchadrezzar II of Babylon lays siege to Jerusalem under Zedekiah's reign. The siege lasts until July 18, 586 BC.

Nebuchadrezzar, along with his Generals Heekfazloemandiouly IV, and Matklumpitryyionity, engaged in serious and bloody ground-fighting over a number of months. Historians believe that the siege lasted much longer than necessary as commands on the field tended to last days. This is largely due to nobody having a name shorter than four or five syllables.

69 - Otho seizes power in Rome, proclaiming himself Emperor of Rome, but only survives for three months before committing suicide.

His suicide was the result of Otho realizing that Rome was, in fact, in Italy. The heavy depression of this revelation combined with the intensely overdramatic nature of his new subjects was too much for Otho to handle, resulting in his famous quote; "'Tis far better to be dead than Emperor of these babbling greasy-folk."

1559 - Elizabeth I of England is crowned in Westminster Abbey by Owen Oglethorpe, the Bishop of Carlisle, instead of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

This was a hotly contested decision by the Russian judges who claimed that Owen failed to notice that Elizabeth I was clearly on anabolic steroids, and that the Archbishop was not wearing a jockstrap.

1579: The Union of Utrecht melds numerous Dutch provinces into a single military unit to repel Spain, forming the basis for the United Provinces of the Netherlands.

Although the melding did create a stronger Dutch state, it proved to be unnecessary as the Spanish, on the way to Holland, got distracted by France who told them "It's okay to be a nation of tense, pseudo-homosexual men. We do it everyday."

1582 - Russia cedes Livonia and Estonia to Poland.

This resulted in the famous "Nine Day Search for Livonia and Estonia" who turned out to be hidden behind a filing-cabinet in Warsaw, living on Borscht and Vodka. After much cajoling the two nations left Warsaw but refused to go any closer to Russia than absolutely necessary.

1880: The first telephone directory for the UK published; it is six pages long.

This was also record-breaking year for the use of the comment: "Wot?"

1885 - Wilson Bentley takes the first photograph of a snowflake.

This endeavour created great discomfort for Bentley soon after. In an attempt to take millions of other pictures that same evening his eyeballs, in succession, froze to the eyepiece of his camera forcing local doctors to amputate his head.

1892 - James Naismith publishes the rules for basketball.

In the official rule-book a number of major misconceptions were clarified including: "Dribbling on the court is acceptable, as long as a sponge is worn" and "A Low Post player can only be shifted to the High Post position when that player is willing to wear a prophylactic."

1919 - The Boston Molasses Disaster kills 21 people.

This event is not well known among many historians as it was overshadowed by the Chicago Tiramisu Crisis which killed an astonishing 132 people the following year.

1919 - Rosa Luxemburg and Karl Liebknecht, two of the most prominent socialists in Germany, were tortured and murdered by the Freikorps.

Inexplicably Freikorps translates to "Crazy Bagel". This proved quite useful in leading Rosa Luxemburg and Karl Liebknecht to their eventual deaths.

1929 - Birth of Martin Luther King, Jr., civil rights leader and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.

Free at last. Let the King sing.

1943 - World War II: Japanese driven off Guadalcanal.

It is unclear whether or not the US drove them off the Canal, or if they drove themselves. What is known is that a Honda was used.

1943 - World War II: Soviet counter-offensive at Voronezh begun.

This counter-offensive, though brutal, largely consisted of reclaiming many of the vowels that Voronezh had taken from the Soviets in a decade-long assault the previous years. Today Vrnzh is no more than a minor Czech town.

1947 - The brutalized corpse of Elizabeth Short ("The Black Dahlia") is found in Leimert Park, Los Angeles, California. Her murderer has never been found and it has become a notorious case in the history of American crime.

Now a Major Motion Picture

1951 - Ilse Koch, The "Bitch of Buchenwald", wife of the commandant of the Buchenwald concentration camp, is sentenced to life imprisonment in a court in West Germany.

It is a little known fact that her cellmate during her incarceration was The "Nag of Nuremberg". Though not as well known, The "Nag" was Goering's mom who constantly complained to him that he "hung out with the wrong crowd."

1956 - Sir Winston Churchill suffers a severe stroke.

This, compounded with the harsh caress the evening before, was the inspiration for his famous declaration: "Although I have not bedded many women, I would sooner receive such delightful attentions from a Yeti."

1967 - In the first ever Super Bowl, the Green Bay Packers defeat the Kansas City Chiefs, 35-10.

This was truly an upset as many had no idea that Packers could play football; the general assumption being that they were much better at cricket.

1969 - The Soviet Union launches Soyuz 5.

Sadly, Soyuz 5 suffered the same fate as Soyuzes 1 through 4 which 'landed' five minutes after take-off in Viktor Yamanakoff's potato field. Soyuz 6, however, did remain airborne but defected to the US where it changed it's name to Edward Peatrain and now sells hotdogs at Yankee Stadium.
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1970 - Muammar al-Qaddafi is proclaimed premier of Libya.

...narrowly defeating a Howler Monkey on crack and a Screaming Degenerate. The Degenerate was disqualified for releasing noxious flatulence during prayer -time. Nobody knows why the Howler Monkey on crack lost as he was an equally viable candidate.

1973 - Vietnam War: Citing progress in peace negotiations, President of the United States Richard Nixon announces the suspension of offensive action in North Vietnam. (Four of six remaining Watergate defendants plead guilty.)

And round and round and round we go,
the retards leading the fools in tow.

1975 - Portugal grants independence to Angola.

Angola would then spend many nights screaming at Portugal's window and sleeping on it's doorstop before Portugal relented and let Angola back in.

1977 - The Kälvesta air disaster kills 22 people, the worst air crash in Sweden's history.

Eventually a Federal Commission would make a list of the causes for the disaster citing, "Problems in the assembly of the plane" due to "key components of the plane missing from the box", "overly complicated diagrams." and, "an inability to understand the instructions as they were written in an inherently silly language"

1991 - The United Nations deadline for the withdrawal of Iraqi forces from occupied Kuwait expires, preparing the way for the start of Operation Desert Storm.

It is a little known fact that the name for the offensive known as "Operation Desert Storm" changed several times during 1990 including: "Protecting our Oily Interests" , "The Empire Strikes Back" and, "Giggles in the Sand".

1992 - The international community recognizes the independence of Slovenia and Croatia from the Socialist Federal Republic of Yugoslavia.
Yeah, that worked out well.

1993 - Salvatore Riina, the Mafia boss known as 'The Beast', is arrested in Sicily after three decades as a fugitive.

It was later discovered that his location was betrayed by his brother Guiseppe 'The Yammering Parrot' Riina, and his wife Antonia 'Pugface' Riina. Some speculate that Salvatore was quite relieved upon his capture.

2005 - An intense solar flare blasted X rays across the solar system. ESA's SMART-1 lunar orbiter discovered elements such as calcium, aluminum, silicon, iron, and other surface elements on the moon.
Sadly, in 2006, that intense solar flare would return to Canada where it is still blasting X rays