February 5, 2007 - Monday

February 5, 2007 - Monday
a semantic thing

I would now like to rant loudly and incoherently about so-called 'bisexuality'.

Not that I've had any recent encounters with 'bi', 'sex', or 'uality' (that foamy build-up that you get when you've eaten too much baked chicken) it's just something I've been meaning to get off my chest for a while.

Now.

A thorough examination of the word 'bisexual' draws your attention to the word 'bi' and the definition therein. I will forego any scrutiny of the 'sexual' portion of the word as I'm sure you all understand it's implications. That is, unless you've spent your life hermetically sealed in a large block of concrete.

And don't blithely pretend that you didn't just read 'position' where I wrote 'portion' in that last paragraph you degenerate.

'Bi', in my opinion, is a conveniently fore-shortened prefix that pertains to the following concepts: 'two' and 'equal'. As in 'bicycle' (having two equal wheels), 'bilingual' (the ability to use two languages equally), 'bilateral' (an equal agreement between two parties), and 'bible' (equally combining gibberish with mortal threats).

You get the picture.

It is my argument that if you can find someone that is truly bisexual, trap and sedate them immediately, because Dr. Mengele would like a word with them. I'm not at all saying that it doesn't exist, I'm sure it does, but it's about as rare as ambidexterity. Very rarely are people absolutely sitting on the fence. In the end you always have a preference in terms of a life-partner. If you ever had to make an endgame choice between 'boy' or 'girl' you could confidently choose one and not feel like you were given a wad of phlegm for your birthday.

You catch my drift? It's a semantic thing I'm having.

Nothing bugs me more than when some guy proudly yammers to me about the glories of his girlfriend and then adds, as a bonus, "…and she's bisexual!" This is a boastful declaration concerning the imminent possibility of him having a threesome with two girls (that, of course, being the Holy Grail for many men). Thing is, it sounds to me as if they're trying to tweak their girlfriend's market-value with a little bit of wishful thinking. Look buddy, if she's bisexual then what is she doing with you? Do you sing alto with the Vienna Boys Choir, or are you a banana slug?

No. What she is, is a sexual deviant.

Wait. That's not fair. 'Deviant' has far too many negative connotations attached to it. Again, it's a semantic thing. And, not that there's anything wrong with being a sexual deviant. I admire and praise people that can insert three hamsters into their anus and ejaculate on paintings by Bellini. If that is your thing, and you're not hurting anyone (that doesn't want to be hurt), then by all means go for it. Just don't expect me to watch. And please clean up afterwards.
I think perhaps the word that should come into play here is 'open-mindedness'. As in, some people are open-minded about who and what gender they fuck. Some people are willing to experiment and enjoy the results therein. And that's fine. As a matter of fact, it's better than fine, it's great. The more people pushing the envelope in terms of willing sexual experimentation the better.

Another word I've come across that best describes what bisexuals claim to be is 'heteroflexible'. This pertains to someone who is predominantly straight but likes to occasionally screw a person of the same gender. This, actually, is the antonym for 'homoflexible' which pertains to a person that likes to bend rich dairy products into strange positions.

It seems to me, in my generation, that this wave of women sucking-face with women and then claiming to be bisexual started with the 1992 film 'Basic Instinct'. That's when women in movie theatres looked beside them at their boyfriends and noticed them surreptitiously trying to dismantle their trouser-tent.

Look, I know it's hard to accept that a half-witted Hollywood blockbuster could start a massive social fad, but just look at snowboarding: a sport that suddenly sprang into being after Roger Moore slid down a mountain on a ski-doo ski in an eighties James Bond film.

Basic Instinct brought the then-taboo activity out of the seedy sex-house movie theatres and into popular culture. It was no longer relegated to trashy c-list flicks, movies with soft-core innuendo, and cheap porn. And soon after the movie came out, and became absorbed into the western mentality, girls around me everywhere were having sexual experiences with each other and claiming to be bisexual (I would have noticed this kind of thing going on before the movie came out. Trust me.). It was suddenly acceptable and sexy.

And who can blame them? Who can blame women for being attracted to each other? They're gorgeous creatures. They are often considered the better looking of the species by both genders. Male birds have excellent plumage, as does the female human. It's absolutely feasible –no, understandable– that women would want to mess around with each other. Men, on the other hand… Well, all I can attribute that to –as with women; and I'm talking about 'bisexuality' here, not homosexuality– is an innate understanding of how to get someone off based on knowledge about how our own bodies work. Don't ask me about this in too much detail though because, although I can appreciate beauty in men, the less cocks around besides mine, the better.

Just don't tell me that you're bisexual. Not only are you pissing off the entire hetero and homosexual communities with your waffling and misleading description of your sexual status, but it prompts people to want to say, "Look, when you've sorted that out, let me know. Or rather, don't."

Look at it this way: Saying you're bisexual is like saying you're 'kind of gay'. No one is kind of gay. Either you're gay, or you're not. Just like no one is 'kind of dead': you're alive, you're alive, you're alive, you're dead. Being 'bisexual' has been bandied about far too frivolously by straight people who are trying to cash in on their willingness screw anything with opposable thumbs.
So, if not 'bisexual', what then do we call these people? These tourists of homosexuality? These wandering sexual nomads? These spelunkers into arbitrary holes?

Fuck knows. As long as they get a room.

Banana Slugs are hermaphrodites by the way..