February 14, 2007 - Wednesday

February 14, 2007 - Wednesday

being the swerve means learning the swerve

A dear friend writes this comment to my previous blog:

"The more I read your blogs, the more I am convinced that Canada is not the civilized country it purports to be... eh?"

I think, my dear, that it's the exact opposite: It's too civilized compared to what it purports to be. The normally lighthearted, carefree, friendly, beer drinking, propaCanada covers up some serious and dire anal retention. This, I believe, is worse. Because sadly, wherever you find excessive civility, you find excessive weakness. Cold as this may sound, I simply have a hard time abiding weakness.

…unless, of course, you mean 'not civilized' in the way that our social drinking habits are being closely monitored and restricted; then yes, it's fucking barbaric.

Check this out (this from the Smart Serve online training):

The LLA (Legal License Act; the law surrounding allowing a bar to sell booze) states that "no person shall be in an intoxicated condition in a place to which the general public is invited or permitted access."

This sort of thing would pretty much shut down all of Eastern Europe and significant parts of the rest. How does it affect Canada? Well, Canada has become one country in serious need of a drink –and a laxative.

Thing is Canada used to have such a wonderful history of drinking. We had one Prime Minister who used to get so pissed he'd puke on the lectern while addressing the Senate. We had another guy that talked to his stuffed dead dog. My all time favourite PM was so drunk he dated Barbara Streisand…At least I think he was drunk. What else could he have been?

Well, whatever.

Smart Serve conveniently provides their students of extreme anality (myself, in this case) with the means of identifying drunk people so we can kick them out:

Loss of self control and inhibitions, which include:

--being overly friendly and starting conversations with strangers
--using foul language, loud speech, repeating stories, jokes
--making sexual advances
Essentially, the expectation is that you sit with the friends that you have designated as being yours at the check-in desk prior to entering the bar. You are not to attempt to make any other friends. Also, in conversation, you must be interesting and continuously provide new material to the topic of discussion, especially when you are not hitting on members of the opposite sex.
Poor judgment, which include:

--complaining about strength of drink and prices
"The drink is overcharged and watered-down. Accept it. Now please meekly return to your designated friends."
--changing consumption rates
There is actually a chart in the Smart Serve scheme that allows you to map out the consumption rate for each client. Thank god I'll be working in a small bar, otherwise I would need about 23 more Gigabytes
--buying rounds for strangers
"Hey! I just said, you're not allowed to make other friends. I must eject you now." (that's the language they use to; 'eject', like they'll give you a parachute when they toss you out).
--arguing, making irrational statements
Irrational statements like this? "George…George Orwell? Is it really you? I thought you were dead!"

Reason, caution, memory, which include:

--wanting to drive while intoxicated
Fair enough. But after sodomizing me for all my money and then declaring me too drunk to be in your bar I'll be needing to ride your wife home.
--becoming entertaining, animated, boisterous
So not only am i to remain strictly with my designated friends but I'm expected to be boring with them too? What the hell are my parents for then?
--repeating stories, jokes, conversations
"I'm sorry sir, but 'redundant' is a synonym for 'superfluous' which I distinctly heard you using earlier. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave."
--leaving a drink on a table or bar and ordering another
Which is a difficult thing to keep track of because of overzealous bar-staff attempting to reclaim half finished pints.
--forgetting where they are, where they came from and names
"Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are drinking alcohol? I'll have to ask you stop, this is a bar after all."
--unable to figure simple calculations
Jesus, the guests have to make calculations correctly? I can't calculate what the blood alcohol content percentage of a 27 year-old in good physical condition, after 3 drinks of rye, in the space of 1.5 hours when I'm sober. Which I'm expected to know –for everyone in the bar.
Coordination & balance, which include:
--unable to pick up change
--unable to sit straight in a chair
Like a good Youth Nazi
--missing the ashtray
It's bad enough that smoking has been banned in bars in Ontario, why do you have to rub it in Smart Serve?
--spilling drink, can't find mouth with glass
However, mistaking your ass for your mouth is entirely acceptable as illustrated by the Government of Canada
--swaying, drowsy
--knocking over drink
--stumbling, having trouble moving around objects
…like the big club you want to use to beat three colours of snot out of the bartender who has arbitrarily deigned you too intoxicated to be in the bar.
--bumping into things or people and/or falling down
Wow, they are really concerned about any contact with other people. Sounds to me like Smart Serve needs a big hug.
--holding onto chair backs or tables when walking or standing
To be steady like the Ninja, you must think like the Ninja.
--holding feet wide apart when walking or standing
You are exempt from this, however, if you have just dismounted a horse or you are a Pitbull Terrier.
Changing vital signs & physical appearance, which include:
--sweating
--becoming drowsy, sleepy, passing out
--flushed, red face
--breathing becomes slower, more shallow
--glazed look in eyes
--red, glassy and squinting eyes
--slurring of speech or speaks louder than necessary
--slower response time in movement, e.g., unable to light cigarette
--difficulty seeing and hearing
In short: no ecstasy allowed on the premises.
And then, in the very next paragraph of the Smart Serve Online training manual, they say this:
"There are medical conditions whose symptoms may mimic those of someone who is intoxicated. Therefore, it is important for licensees and their staff not to jump to conclusions without talking to the individual."

Which pretty much puts us back to square one doesn't it? Because the only thing that trumps a lawsuit is the severe personal embarrassment incurred by 'ejecting' someone whose got a tragic, yet oddly hilarious medical condition.

And wait Smart Serve! There are still some lingering, severely beaten elements of fun still associated with being pissed. What can myself, as bar-staff, not do to help?

--encourage intoxication;
--supply the liquor which causes intoxication;
--inadequately monitor and supervise a guest's liquor consumption;
--fail to properly control consumption;
--fail to notice intoxication;
--continue service of liquor to an intoxicated guest;
--fail to take appropriate steps to stop an intoxicated guest from driving or leaving the premises.

That's good Smart Serve, really good. However, although I enjoy being a Nazi Pig in the bar where I work, are there ways that I can be an asshole too?
--do not buy guests drinks.
--do not offer liquor free of charge.
--do not offer liquor at discounted prices.
--do not offer unlimited alcoholic drinks for a fixed price.
--drinks containing a greater alcohol volume must be priced more expensively.

So with idiotic and contradictory statements like; "…intoxicated persons should be ejected from the premises…" and, "…failure to stop an intoxicated person from leaving the premises…" Smart Serve, at the behest of the Canadian Government, has effectively hammered another nail into the coffin of personal liberty. I heart Canada.

And, am I the only person that notices what's going on here?

Think about that –and if you need me I'll be in the next room trying to hold back extreme fits of laughter and/or tears.