July 25, 2007 - Wednesday

July 25, 2007 - Wednesday

everything i know i learned from hollywood: part II

If there is one thing Hollywood Blockbusters do it is uniting the perceptions of the common man. They show us what is true and consistent in the world throughout all walks of life, all economic statuses, all languages, and all races. Except for black people.

And if there is one thing that is universally understood planet-wide it is that love is hilarious. Love, passion, jealousy, anguish, adulation, obsession, and all things associated with romance, lost or achieved, is made up of a series of whimsical occurrences and misunderstandings which, in the end, will be for the greater good of the couple involved.

But before you embark on your amusing and sometimes comic-tragic romantic escapade there are a few things you should know about love:

You need to be incredibly good-looking to truly be in love. If you are not incredibly good-looking this can pose serious problems, because people don't love people that are not incredibly good-looking. People that are less than incredibly good-looking tend to lose people, or, at the very most, end up with the less than incredibly good-looking friend of an incredibly good-looking person.

But don't despair those of you that are less than incredibly good looking, because often all it takes is some make-up, a glamorous dress, a few sit-ups, or a black turtle-neck sweater to catapult you straight past the moderately good-looking people into the category of incredibly good-looking. And when that happens –usually with the assistance of moderately good-looking people who are always amazed and sometimes chagrined by the result of their efforts– you will get your One True Love.

Generally, again, this doesn't work with black people. They tend to either be incredibly good-looking, or not at all throughout the whole quirky romantic escapade. Of course, black people rarely experience the same amount of love as white people, and are generally relegated to the level of Helpful Abettor by their white incredibly good-looking friend.

People are really nice…

Aside from a few bad apples, who will never find true love anyway, people are really nice and helpful. They will always forego their personal problems to have the plot explained to them by one or more of the central romantic figures. Strangers are also very nice, whether you're running around an airport like a terrorist, dashing across a busy intersection, walking across people's heads in a New York city subway station, getting the hotel room number of your One True Love over the phone, or writing 'Will You Marry Me?' in burning flames on someone's front lawn, people really don't mind. As a matter of fact strangers find this kind of behaviour endearing and may even applaud.

Always remember that people that may seem like complete degenerate assholes at first can be swayed to extreme perfection. If you find yourself in love with an incredibly good-looking (of course) person who has the personality of a rage-crazed Rottweiler all you need to do is make them cry. It doesn't matter how cynical or embittered that person is, how nasty, sardonic or cruel –they will change because you love them. This is a difficult concept for many to get a bead on because nobody loves stupid people, and it tends to be stupid people that can about-face 180º personality-wise. But hey, that's amoré.

Everyone has lots of money…

To truly be in love you need to have a lot of money. Maybe not both of you, but one of you for sure. Even the person that doesn't have a lot of money usually has a loft-flat in New York city the size of a football field. This is because one of you has a high-paying and interesting job that isn't entirely satisfying (because you're not in love yet). The careers of people that will fall in love are as follows:

Journalist
Lawyer
Any PR Agent
Successful artist (because all artists are very-to-mildly successful)
Military (although, usually these people are in love to begin with)
Major Sports Athlete
Student
Criminal that Does not Deal Drugs
Teacher
Waitress
International Spy or any other kind of Random Adventure Person
The careers of people that will NOT fall in love are as follows:
Janitor; Porno Theatre
Drug Dealer
Fishmonger
Plumber
Anybody that works with sewage or waste matter
People on the Dole
Telemarketer
Any kind of extremist or fundamentalist leader
Royal Executioner
Barnyard Masturbator

(Other people that will never fall in love are: retards, perverts, disabled people, and fat people)
One of you having a lot of money facilitates having conversation-laden adventures together while going to the zoo, constantly going to trendy restaurants, skating in the middle of a major city, or staying at the George V Hotel in Paris. It is important to note that people in love tend to spend a lot of time on rooftops, balconies, and other high places. People in love like to be quiet, near a nice view with a slight breeze.

If you are worried about not having a lot of money don't fret, because your parents most certainly do. They have a house with 17 rooms and a dining room-table that seats 30 people in a small town (population 178) somewhere in the American Mid-West. This is handy for the awkward but hilarious meeting of the parents and family. Remember, if you are a man be wary of the woman's father. He will most certainly hate you at first. But don't worry, he will come to eventually like you and respect you.

In every true love scenario there needs to be a comic and witty dialogue around a large dining-room table. This is another reason why wealthy parents are useful. In this dialogue you find out that Grandma thinks you're a fag, Dad thinks you're a pervert, Mom thinks you're kind of sweet, younger siblings either have a crush on you or think you're a jack-ass, the youngest sibling makes irrelevant but funny comments, and the dog pooped in your shoe.
Lies…

All true love begins with a colossal lie. This lie may take the form of a simple misunderstanding or the complete failure to relate a fundamental aspect of your personage. Such as; you are royalty, or you are three other people.
Sex…

People in love have beautiful tender sex. Often this sex is in slow motion with many indistinct close-ups of your bodies. Sex is never dirty or involving the use of depraved language. Anal sex is only permissible if you are a homosexual. On that note: chances are if you're gay you're the hilarious and secondary Helpful Abettor to heterosexuals who are attempting to experience real love.

Bodily functions…

Just as Action People never sleep, people in love never go to the bathroom unless it's to brush their teeth, have beautiful tender sex in the shower, apply make-up, or change slowly and seductively into something slinky. It's never to piss or shit.

Note: It is common for people about to be in love to see one or the other naked, either by surprise, or via a contrivance.

Your friends are meaningless…

Your friends exist for one purpose, and one purpose only: to Helpfully Abet you achieving your One True Love. Are you perhaps in love with you best-friend's wife? No problem, simply steal them away. Don't worry about it, your friend will get over it in time, and may in fact apologize for causing you grief in acquiring his wife in the first place. Friends are also useful soundboards for explaining the plot to during the inevitable slump which occurs after you have first met, and fucked up, the relationship with your One True Love. When you get back together again forget about them. They are of no further use to you.

Friends may appear to be engaging in strange activities during the pursuit of your One True Love. Perhaps they're an alcoholic, or freely trading partners amongst each other, or have leprosy. Maybe their mother just died, or they've been missing for days. Just ignore all that weirdness. Unless it directly helps you in achieving your One True Love it will only distract you from your goal. All that stuff is for comic relief to lighten your load anyway.
Stalking is normal…

You can always get your One True Love if you are willing to do anything necessary. Because with die-hard perseverance, and relentless chasing, they will eventually come around. Show up everyday at their home, throw rocks at their house, sleep on their porch, leave notes and flowers at their office, follow them all over town, attck anyone that comes near them, lead a yak with their name tattoed on it through a café, chase them screaming through heavily populated places –whatever it takes, just don't stop, because relenting equals failure, and failure means you'll end up like your Helpful Abettor friends: slightly comical losers. They may have no pride, but you're swallowing yours for love. What better reason to stand naked in the piss rain at midnight screaming, "But I love you!" at your One True Love's dormitory window?

Note: loudly singing love songs to your One True Love in crowded places is never awkward and always works in shifting their opinion in your favor. In this manner everyone around you becomes an Abettor, and thus can help you in pressuring your One True Love into coming around. Your One True Love will appreciate the nuances of this.

A good rule of thumb to remember is that you are one in a pack of starving hyenas, and the gazelle you're all chasing is awfully small.

The fishing line…
There is always one good line that will sway your One True Love your way. These lines are best delivered in the rain, or after you have been running for a bit, or while you are crying. Either way, you should be wet.
Some lines that work:
"You complete me."
"Don't forget. I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy...asking him to love her." (not to be used on paranoid schizophrenics)
"You had me at 'hello'"
"You are what I never knew I always wanted" (only for extremely intelligent One True Loves)
"I can't imagine life without you."
"Don't ever leave me."
"You're the one that I love (Oo-wap shoo-walla-walla doot-doot-doo)!"
Some lines that don't work too well:
"My apartment had many leather-bound books and smells of rich mahogany."
"If you don't love me right now I'll hammer this nail into my eyeball."
"You are a doughnut to my box of Pringles."
"I require the love of a slutty-hoer. And that slutty-hoer is you."
"If you don't love me right now I'll hammer this nail into your eyeball."
"But I engraved your name into my forehead for you."
"They make take our lives, but they will never take our FREEDOM!"

And there you have it. Through romantic comedies Hollywood shines it's rich immortal light on matters of the heart itself. As long as you're extremely good-looking, have one of the jobs people who fall in love get, have rich parents, stalk relentlessly, and are not black or gay, love is possible for anyone. Helpful Abettors are exempt from this categorization of course. And if you don't fall into any of these categories you should probably check your social insurance number because it's doubtful you exist.

And yeah, the sequel is rarely as good as the original.

To Be Continued.