riding the retarded mule

Oooo two blog days in a row...

Must be a lack of life:

Anyway, once a week the lads and I go and see a film. Those without babies that are able to tear themselves away from their wives/girlfriends, that is. You see, my friend's in Ottawa have the worst case of pussy-whipping I have ever seen...and that's saying a lot, because I've seen a lot. I can't comment on my female friend's because I seem to not have them anymore. At least not in Ottawa...Sad actually, I suppose the female/male imperative is too high here --the expectation to fuck to serious in this eviscerated town...

And blah, blah, blah...

So we saw Tropic Thunder and I loved it. Why? Because it tore Hollywood a new asshole. It brought to light all the stupid clichés that the American blockbuster bashes stupid people with. My thinking is this: whether you get it or not doesn't really matter. However, if you don't get it you're an idiot.

Something else unique I did was actually take a bus. A miracle, really, considering everyone drives in order to tackle the huge distances from suburb to suburb through suburb. Actually, that's what Ottawa is; a massive sprawling suburb, jammed with split-level wall-to-wall carpeting houses with tiny little lawns and garage doors. Sure we have the odd building here and there but they're bunched up like elephants in a defensive clusterfuck around the Parliament Buildings; the seat of Canada's government.

It's no wonder that no matter how green Ottawa claims to be the majority of people are driving cars the size of Gulfstreams to get around. The public transportation in The Nation's Crapital is the worst I've ever seen...And that too is saying a lot, because I've seen a lot.

First of all it's expensive; three bucks a ride. The routes are erratic and silly, having very little to do with anyone's actual destination no matter where they're trying to go. The stops themselves are usually hidden behind trees and other tall shrubbery so nobody can find them, including the bus driver. Although Ottawa is very up to date with the computerization of the routes, including having schedules posted on a website, there is very little correlation between what you read and when the bus actually shows up.

That last is a crime worthy of a flogging. I mean, what is the point of even posting a schedule even nobody follows it?

Last night I looked online (wistfully at this point) to figure out when the last bus was leaving downtown because I was watching the late show (ah yes, the last bus runs at midnight, the bars close at two. You do the math.) The website told me the last bus goes at 00.23. Fine, the film should be over by 23.50. Except when I got to the station after the movie the schedule there said the last was at 23.59. Methinks the OCTranspo Website People need to communicate with the OCTranspo Bustop People by using some other means than farts in a room.

Luckily I was in time for the last bus. It was late naturally. Buses are always late in Ottawa. Except when they're not. When they're not they're early. This has happened to me a number of times; the bus cruising by ten or fifteen minutes early (or was the one before it late?).

I can barely describe the mute, hopeless, and rending frustration when this happens. The incredible self-control it takes to not jam a pen into the driver of the following bus; arriving 45 minutes later.

It's that limbo when you're not sure if the bus is late or whether it went by pre-maturely and you missed it. The utter helplessness that you have to rely on the schedule of a half-baked bureaucracy which is run by a bunch of crack smoking chimps. This can really fuck up your day.

Anyway, last night, the 23.59 arrived at 00.15... and promptly went in the wrong direction. There was a few moments of reserved contained Ottawa-style panic --like the hissing of cats in a box-- and then an announcement by the driver over intercom, "Sorry folks, my mind wandered a bit there."

Astounding.