banalysis

Live real-time game analysis

Montreal vs. Philly, Game 4, Eastern Conference final

Pre-game: the highlight reel – glorious music.

Why do Habs fans have to do the gay football “olé” thing? It’s gay. And footbally.

Righteous CBC opening music.

Scenes of people partying in Montreal streets.

Elliott Friedman needs to be punched in his upper lip to even it out with his lower.

Glen Healy looks like someone taller bonked him directly on the top of the head…He said “competing” three times, “Guys, guys, guys.”.

“Right into the slot area”? What exactly does that mean? It’s not really a slot if it has an area.

Goddamn Elliott. Maybe his chin is his lower lip. This has totally changed my perception of his stupid face. . . I think Ron may be the only reasonable dude in the whole of sports broadcasting.

Okay, here comes the light show. Actually kind of cool. Little kid setting the rink on fire. Bloody awesome, but the kid looks terrified.

I like PK Subban, not just because he’s black. He’s a smart kid. Looks like a nice kid too, except he turns into a royal douche on the ice…Which is good.

“PK and the Habs”, sounds like a Motown singing group.

I hate you Elliott Friedman.

Don Cherry keeps calling Yupi, the Montreal Expos mascot, “Loopy”. Does he do that shit on purpose?

Some kind of sincere Canadiana music to bring the Habs onto the ice.

Spacek says hi to the two flag wielding kids…Nice.

Here comes the National anthems by that cute Yanofsky girl. Giggity.

Lapierre looks perplexed by this French version of the anthem. Odd.

Montreal fans are hotter. No doubt about it.

Halakitty, Halak, Halakathon.

PERIOD 1.

Pronger is a funny name. Although I wouldn’t say it to his face. Wonder what the etymology on that is?

Bouncy puck. Fuck. Doesn’t look good.

“Somebody touched it.”? You’re the announcer fuckwit. It’s your job to tell us who touched it.

Halak really wants to be a forward.

Jesus Habs, your team is wearing red, their team is wearing orange.

Whatever you were doing game three, it’s important you do it again.

Hamrlick, also a funny name. I probably would say it to his face.

Awe, “Crazy Hop”.

Laperriere (Philly) likes to hug other men on the ground. Why does Hamrlick go to the box? He can’t help it if Laperriere wants to hug on the ground.

“Coburn took a dump” Where? Where?

Philly intimidates the Habs, they keep getting scared back into their own zone.

Colour Commentator is a retard.

Gomez is a puck thief. Well done Kareem-looking mo-fo.

“Montreal is like a bunch of waterbugs” Colour Commentator is a retard.

Halak man, You can’t crawl across the crease dude.

Penalty: against the Habs of course. This is probably when Philly scores.

I wonder if Leino knows Royksopp wrote a song about him?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJjhagh8dk4&feature=related

Plekanec should keep his helmet on.

HALAK! “Has chosen the 12th minute to get a standing O”. If you put the pieces together you realize “O", means “ovation”.

Wow, the whole team saved the puck. All 5 Habs in the Montreal net. I can’t believe they all fit in there. Christ they are small.

HALAK!

Halak totally shoved Carter. Carter looked like a he got whiplash, his head did the whole backward-wobble thing.

“Could have been dangerous, turned out to be rather calm.”

I like Maxim Lapierre, he’s the funniest guy on the ice. The more lippy he gets the better the Habs do. Unfortunately he’s not being very lippy tonight.

“Habs want to change.” Yeah, into a more aggressive team.

Hartnell looks like a hippy. I wonder if he brushes his hair in the morning…32 even strokes every morning.

“Lapierre: aggravating and awesome as well”. Colour Commentator a little less retarded.

I wonder if Cammaleri is still having fun.

Gorges, is there more than one of him?

Don Cherry is going to say something.

“WHARRRGARBL!”

ESPN America keeps airing a commercial about O’Ree, the first black hockey player in the NHL. Okay.

PERIOD 2

“Here we go for number two.” More fiber Announcer-Man?

I like that things always get weird around the net after a gloved-in save.

Philly has it: Booo, booo. Yeah, we get it audience, Philly is Bad. Montreal is Good.

Habs appear to have taken a narcotic between periods.

Now everybody is dumping. Must piss-off the environmentalists.

“Net-minder.” Is that what a goalie was called in the 20’s? “Jeeves, if you would be so kind as to leave La Rondelle with the Net-Minder.”

“Yep, Philly wins another face-off.” Not very Announcer-like, Announcer-Man.

Christ, these guys are tougher than shit.

Philly scored. Crap.

Lapierre is mouthing off again. He’d make a good actor, very animated face.

Hey Habs, are things not adverse enough for you? Clear the puck.

Penalty: Montreal, go figure. Ah PK, PK. Not good buddy.

“The nice sweet hands of Claude Giroux as he finishes it off.” A bit of a crush there, retarded Colour Commentator?

Timonin’s name rhymes with cinnamon. Lapierre should let him know.

Halakitty-Hack!

Is Montreal the only team that passes the puck back to their goalie in tense situations? Makes me nervous.

"Gionta, slow to get up." Slow to do a lot of shit this evening. Very Kareem-bender-y

Guys, you can’t just stand there. Trouve la friggen rondelle!

All the Habs have left the building.

“Montreal needs to get on the “O”.” I’m guessing he means “Offense” instead of “Ovation” this time.

Philly scores again on a breakaway. Fuck.

Subban turned it over, Hamrlick was somewhere else. Possibly taking another hit of anti-depressants.

Damnit, Philly is the better team. But then again, so was Washington and Pittsburgh.

Just don’t let it be a shut-out… Yes, I’ve lost hope.

Nice hit Habitant! First proper one I’ve seen.

Shots in this period 12-1 philly. To quote Freakazoid Cherry, "You might as well throw a blanket over them, cause they've gone to bed."

Halak wants to leave. I don’t blame him.

All I hear is “…And the Habs give it away.” My advise: DON’T GIVE IT AWAY. Do the opposite of the Chilli Pepper’s song.

End of the second: 13-1 shots on net for Philly. Wow, that doesn’t bode well.

Mark Messier seems kind of cool.

PERIOD 3

One shot on goal in the last period. I KNOW.

Okay, a little better start. . . Spoke to soon: Bergeron doesn’t like pucks suddenly.

“Canadiens are changing.” No shit, their underwear. So yeah, shit.

“It has been tough for the Montreal Canadiens to score goals in this series.” Thank you retard Colour-Commentator for that astounding analysis.

Some hockey players have loose plastic bits hanging off their skates. Isn’t that a problem?

The Habs need to go as a group to the net. It can’t be one dude all the time. Plekanec looks lonely.

Interesting: no team has yet been able to get in that nice cycling position: Dudes on the point etc.

“Canadiens need to start skating again.”

“Canadiens need to start closing off their pinches.” What?

Laperriere is wearing a girly-mask.

Finally the Flyer’s get a penalty. Wanton displays of joy from the audience.

PK keeps fucking it up. Not good kid.

The net is off and nobody stopped the play. This arbitraryness in the reffing is bloopy.

“Canadiens can’t keep it in.” Uh-huh.

I can’t understand what the Habs are doing. It doesn’t look like Hockey though. The force is not strong with them tonight. A little more Dark-Side, a little less Jar-Jar.

Christ, even the Announcer is getting sarcastic “Montreal is trying individual plays which aren’t working. What else is new?”

I haven’t seen these guys make a single good play. What is the reason for this? Early game? That must be it. When in Montreal they party. Early game is rough with a hangover. . . In Philly they’re just depressed.

The Colour Commentator just said a bunch of stuff. What else is new?

“And where is the puck? Caught up in the paraphernalia of a Flyer.” Nice use of “paraphernalia” Announcer-Man.

I feel that the crowd will boo the Habs this evening.

Granted, Leighton is a big motherfucker. He barely has to move. He could just sit Yogi-style between the posts and he’d be fine.

Yup, looks like another shut-out.

HALAK!

“Canadiens keep coughing up the puck.” Nothing funny about that, except the imagery.

Almost. This time the Habs were all trying to fit into the Flyer net. Not easy with a ridonculously huge goalie already in it.

It’s quite easy to lip-read “Fack!”.

Wow. Bergeron sweeping the puck from the empty net.

Typical Habs, kicking ass in the final two mintues. Hangover has cleared-up I guess.

FACK. Empty-netter. 3-zip flyers.

“It’s always harder on the moms as she makes every save in the crowd.” Shut up Elliott, you jack-ass.

Lapierre get’s a penalty. Use your mouth buddy, not your slashy-slashy.

So endeth the game, 3-0 Flyers. Montreal fans will no doubt loot the Aldo on St. Chatherines again tonight.



I don’t think I’ll be doing this again.