square zero

I'm not sure whether "not being a good fit for the company image" is grounds for dismissal.

But then again, when you're five days short of the end of your probationary period you're not entitled to much of a reason at all.

It's hard for me to get a bead on a lot of what was said to me last Tuesday when the GM called me into the office. I do know that I was called in right after he indoctrinated the new Sales lady. I heard something about the company hemorrhaging money. I heard something about me not being involved in the community enough. I heard something about receiving a letter of recommendation – "glowing" is the word I believed he used.

I'm fairly sure I mentioned the fact that I carried the radio station on my back – single-handedly, inexperienced – for two months. I didn't mention dealing with the power outages, missing board operators, and screaming up to Port Hardy at the last minute.

Or the ridiculous task of trying to produce commercials while live on the air at the same time. How about recording an entire six hour show for The Port 1240 every day, while getting interviews for the news guys in Courtenay, and working on a diabetes fundraising event?

How about weekends spent in the studio working on production pieces for the hockey team, or voice-tracking for the Sunday so that the weather reports would sound a little more authentic if they were closer to the date? I never bothered filling out overtime cards because I felt the experience was payment enough. Also, having use of the car would have equalized the money due to me.

The twelve hour days, the fact that I was just starting to get comfortable behind the mic despite getting very little guidance – despite constantly asking for guidance.

I did every thing they told me. Some things I got right away, other things I improved over time. That's how it's supposed to work when you first start out, right?

Christ, I hauled my ass all the way across the country for this job. Frankly, if I had known this was going to happen I would have continued waiting tables until something more secure came along.

I didn't menion these factors, because he knew. Why put him on the defensive when I knew I couldn't talk him out of it. I know this because I said, "I can't talk you out of this can I?"

So ultimately all that work was for nothing except a few references, and not enough experience to make me hireable in the industry.

"Keep your chin up." They say.

If you're at the bottom of a hole…Again…It's hard for your chin to be facing anywhere else.

I am utterly devastated.

I'm not a manic-depressive, but the depressions I'm occasionally lapsing into can only be described as "manic". We're talking acid-trip bouts of psychotic misery and horrible dread when I'm bad, and generally despondent and distracted when I'm good.

It's not just the fact that I was canned so abruptly. Or the fact that it's a hell of a thing to happen right before Christmas. Or that after three months I was starting to get a handle on things. Or that it was an incredible opportunity that I never took for granted. Or the fact that I took all the steps to keep my karma in balance (which sounds weird, but makes sense if you're me).

It's the fact that I have been again set back light years in terms of getting my fucking life somewhere stable. It was bloody hard landing this job in the first place. The months of sending out audition packages and following-up was endless and tiring. It's hard to face this reality again without the taste of bile in my mouth.

I feel like I've been climbing this beast of a mountain – still in the woods, but the pines are thinning, and I can smell the snow – when some anonymous malevolent force plucks me off its side and dumps me back in the valley. I felt I could start chasing goals because I was on the right path to create the groundwork on which they would have stood.

Perfect, a goddamned mountain analogy. This place is disturbing me.

And the malevolent force is not so anonymous. I know who "terminated" my employment, as he put it. The thing is, he seemed to genuinely feel bad. He was quick to offer himself as a reference, as were other's near the top of Vista Radio. That would seem to indicate that losing this job wasn't completely due to incompetence on my part. That's how it's supposed to work, right?

He said that he hoped the experience wouldn't stop me from pursuing radio. Platitudes from a well practiced manager, or sincere thoughts from someone who really cares? I suppose when (and if) I recieve that letter of recommendation, I'll know.

So here I am in Vancouver, staying on the floor of my cousin's kid's room. I'm living out of my suitcase again with no prospects and a dim view of the future.

Right now I'm remembering what my professor told me when I said I landed a job in Powell River. He said, "You'll like BC".

Despite the valiant efforts of a couple friends and family in Vancouver showing me the grandeur of the place I remain deeply, deeply, unimpressed.

Of course my glasses are not exactly rose-tinted. They smell, and are obscured by shit.

I feel that I've made a lifetime of sacrifices, only to land back in the tar-pit.

There is no justice. There is no reprieve. There is no balance, and nothing matters no matter what I do. There is, however, this – an email I got from the head of the United Way in Powell River:

I hope you won't turn your back on us, but I do want you to know that you have been incredibly supportive in casting out the net of info re United Way and other things that really screamed to be shouted about. I hear practically daily "I heard you on the radio", and you did that. For that I am very grateful. You may have lost your job, but you have helped me keep mine. Thank you.

Janet

Sigh…You're welcome Janet.