the sloshies

What evil twisted self-induced psychosomatic force is at work that's causing me to rocket out of bed at 8.30 on Sunday to face a day with absolutely nothing to do?

Wait, daylight savings, so it's really 7.30 AM.

I could lie in bed, but my head, as usual, is spinning. Whether it's thoughts about the vaguely seen gorilla-sized tarantula I dreamed attacking a man in a zoo last night– it was "vaguely seen" because I kept trying to cover my eyes while some asshole behind me kept convincing me it was a porcupine, which it sort of looked like when I peeked, but quickly became a gorilla-sized tarantula again –or, the myriad of thoughts about the operation of the station. I can't seem to stay in bed.

So, I write.

I've gotten much better at drinking beer since I moved here. There was a lull there for a little while, what with the whole transition thing, but I'm back into it. After a few beers I have great ideas, and it apparently gives me nightmares. Which brings me to a notion that has crossed my mind for a number of years now:

I'm getting better at this radio announcing thing, I think. Yesterday I went to the station to listen to some of my moments of speaking ("breaks" we call them) and I seemed to sound a little clearer, more relaxed, smoother. . . Confident, really. It seems like one out of every four breaks I do, is not too bad. Basically, about once an hour for about five hours, I nail it. The rest of the time; crap.

This is a vast improvement over having a good-sounding break once every eight times I'm on-air, which translates to once every couple of days. So yeah, if asked how good I thought I was, I'd say, "I'm all right every few days or so."

I'm starting to be able finesse the techniques and pinpoint the problems. The major one being, of course, my mouth. The neural connection between my brain and my mouth is unreliable. It's pathetically amusing at best, goddamned frustrating at worst.

The point is, I'm getting better, but not good enough, and not fast enough.

I listen and watch personalities, comedians, news anchors (except for the one's on CBC radio in Victoria who can't seem to execute a single newscast without fumbling it like a slinky handler in de-tox), presenters, artists, and hosts, and think to myself, how can their execution be so flawless?

I have been only able come up with one factor which may account for this widespread phenomena of perfection:

Alcohol.

It's a simple equation really. There is a fine line when you've had a few drinks– not too many –and the delivery and thought process are smooth. The content is good and the confidence is high, if only slightly demurred. A perfect balance is reached in verbosity. This is why the Czechs only understand each other when they're a little bit drunk, otherwise their odd vowel-less babbling is as foreign to them as it is to us.

The problem is this: I've never been able to get into a habit of drinking. I'm a terrible alcoholic. Even at the height of my drinking in Prague– where I was drinking far, far more than what is acceptable by North American standard (which are, admittedly, pretty lame) –I was able to walk away from it relatively unscathed. I say "relatively" because it may account for my misfiring brain/mouth synapses. Of course, how can I tell?

Also, bringing a flask of whiskey (a drink which makes me awesome, by the way) to the radio station may set an unhealthy precedent. The fear really is: what if that's what it takes? What if I find out that this is the key, and I'm stuck with it?

There are of course practical matters as well: If I imbibe over the course of a show I likely won't be able to drive home after my shift. And, if my career in radio takes off, which I sincerely am gunning for, I'll need to be slightly drunk for four hours a day, five days a week, for the rest of my life. And, because of the nature of alcohol, it'll need to be a little more booze every time.

When you look at it like that it seems pretty daunting, if not expensive.

On the other hand, there are people whose lives are exactly that. Awesome people. Talented people. People who I admire.

For me it's Career Uber Alles. It's all I've really got and I have strong ambitions in that department. They say, you do what it takes, right?

But…nah, at least for the time being. I'm big on, "the time comes when the time comes". I don't like to force things. Organic development has been my Nom de Guerre for the past little while so I'm just going to see how far I can get before I plateau.

And I like drinking because it's fun. Alcohol becoming a crutch for my livelihood doesn't seem very fun to me.

Besides, It's inevitable, really, that one day I will be on the air, and I will be slightly wasted.

I just hope that when that happens my performance will be crap.