your average early morning rant

So Saturday morning 5am I launch out of bed, my head crammed with anger that has since withered a bit. Regardless I hammer out this in one sitting...and then posted on Facebook:

If you think that there's nothing wrong with the Canadian entertainment industry you probably live in a post-communist eastern block country, because that is the only place I've seen where the contemporary mainstream music, television, and film industry is as terrible as Canada's. That being said, if you think there's nothing wrong with the Canadian entertainment industry you will be offended by this –my open letter to Canada which asks:

Why is Canadian-made entertainment so broodle, eh?

Evidence abounds of this. CBC is the big may-pole around which all Canadians dance and two-step. We skip and riverdance to folksy fiddle music around the thing while lauding it's virtues and the fact that it binds our great and impressive country together with cheer and swagger. And, in a lot of ways it does. CBC Radio is a pretty great thing. CBC Radio is a great source of news, intelligent commentary, humour, music, personalities, and interviews. CBC *Radio* really does keep Canada connected in the way the railway once did –as is so popular to say.

CBC Television, on the other hand…

You take out Hockey Night in Canada, and all the News shows, and you literally have tripe, idiotic, smarm which fails to be funny when it's a comedy, ends up being banal if it's a drama, and is just plain aggravating if it's anything else. Of course, if all you watch is CBC Television you'll think it's great.

You'll think Little Mosque on the Prairie is genius, "Hey, can you believe it? There are Muslims in Saskatchewan, and boy are they up to some silliness! Ha ha ha." It's almost as if all the other CBC shows are so heavily laden with white people they decided to lump all the minorities into one show and label them all wacky Muslims. Egyptian, Indian, Hispanic, whatever, they're all Allah fearing Muslims who are hilarious.

Or so the writers think. The show is just not funny. How do I know this? Because I've actually seen funny shows. They're out there. The show could be funny, but then you'd have to offend a lot of Muslims which would be very un-Canadian.

Another comedy: Corner Gas. Occasionally it will illicit a "huh", but those are few and far between. Besides does anyone watch that show for any other reason than to see the hot cop and the cute diner lady? That's the only reason I've lingered there. I've never stayed to long, though, because all that show does is make me miss canned laughter. And I hate canned laughter.

And do we really need two shows about loose women riding horses in the prairies? There are so many of them it's a wonder they don't run over hilarious Muslims more often. To the best of my knowledge Heartland appears to be about a young girl who gets into awkward teenage situations– usually to do with sex and arguing in barns –and then gets on her horse and rides around when she can't take it anymore.

Wild Roses, on the other hand, is about many adult women that get into awkward adult situations– usually to do with sex and arguing in barns –and then get on their horses and ride around when they can't take it anymore.

The plots in both shows are static, the writing is cliché-ridden (ha ha, get it? "ridden") and forced, and the acting makes you want to light your face on fire.

And why all the shows that take place in Prairies? Nothing happens in the prairies. We all know that, including the people in the Prairies. Who is CBC trying to fool?

Of course you have to give them credit because they are attempting to provide a bit of geographic balance by bringing in some of the Atlantic provinces in the way of Ron James. Ron James: the only man that makes me want to kick a midget in the head.

Here's a guy whose stand-up blatantly rips-off Hunter Stockton Thompson– who's not alive to defend himself anymore –blends in a little of "awe-shucks" facial expressions, spit-laden Dennis Miller verbosity, and Monty Python's silly walk with an Eastern brogue that borders on the retarded. There is nothing remotely funny about this guy. So what do they do? Give him his own show, of course.

I suppose I could crucify the Canadian audience for letting this travesty continue but I don't think they're to blame. I was once watching his stand-up on CBC when the camera suddenly panned to catch audience reaction. It settled on the beautiful girl in the crowd (as cameras often do) and she looked really pissed that she was there. I'm fairly sure that you don't go see stand-up to work yourself into a rage because you lost 15 minutes of your life to a Newfy jack-ass.

CBC is not alone in producing garbage either. One show comes to mind called The Listener. It's a show about a moody Corey Hart-looking twenty-something that can read minds only when it serves to further the plot. The makers of this show have skirted the conundrum of inherent redundancy in having a mind-reading lead character by making it so he can only read minds *some of the time*. That is to say, when someone killed somebody, or they want to shag another character. Look, Toronto has enough of a bad rep without making other Canadians believe the city is filled with people thinking lurid thoughts about homicide and sex.

Then again…

The show is a no-brainer, and the writing and characterization is not strong enough to up-hold the formulaic template they super-impose on every single episode. That being, Corey Hart hears the voice of someone dying/murdering/about to be murdering/raping then murdering so he wanders around Toronto only hearing the minds of people directly involved in the day's story-line. The police don't believe him (ah the age-old Dumb Cop Effect) so he solves the case on his own with the bitter law-enforcement trailing behind him like huskies chasing the sled. Everyone on the show is frowning, and the two female leads are so incredibly hot you stay tuned in for a couple more moments.

Television in Quebec is not much better. They have one style of show that I have only seen in Eastern European countries. It's hosted by a cocaine-addled middle-aged fat man who enthusiastically does an embarrassing group-dance routine with gorgeous models at the beginning of every show. He then un-hinges his guest musicians by having them play along with his own musicians who are in random places throughout the venue. Forget the drum cue, unless you know that the drummer is located on the upper-mezzanine behind the bar.

Another game show, again with gorgeous girls, features them asking skill-testing questions to the viewing audience over a bed of electronic music. They then jabber awkwardly for hours on end as the viewing audience refuses to call in with the correct answers.

Then there's the films. Hundreds are made apparently, but in my life-time I have only seen two good one's: Good Cop, Bon Cop, and The Crow. I eagerly saw Passchendaele because, not only was it a film from the Canadian perspective about the significant role that Canada played in WWII, but there appeared to be many guns and things blowing up. Hey, I'm easily amused, that should make my critique all the more significant.

Sadly, it turns out that the Canadian perspective is pretty much the American perspective with all the prowess of 1950s movie-making. That is to say, every word any character uttered sounded familiar because someone had already written it already. And not even recently. These lines were taken right out of every spaghetti western, and black-and-white war film ever made.

Admittedly, the bits with battle were pretty good.

I'll make this easy for you. I challenge anyone to go to here and find 3 exceptional films. There are 890 there. Just find three, and not the two I named already. Find one that has been critically acclaimed outside of Canada. And, keep in mind that even if you find some (I'm not going through the list myself, it's too aggravating) there are 890 there. I'm not asking you to find 100, which would be about 1 good film out of every 9 very-expensive-to-make piles of twaddle. Christ, even the States can do that.

Then there's music… I cringe as I begin writing this.

Every Nickleback song sounds the same. It's so true it has become a cliché. Think of Bryan Adams, Jann Arden, Celine Dion, The Northern Pikes (They Ain't Crap, They Just Seem that Way), Gowan, Colin James, Tom Cochrane, Avril Lavigne (Oops, I've Heard this Before), and hundreds of other Canadian artists who are in constant rotation on radio stations.

We hate them, if not all of them, at least most of them. They are unoriginal, uninspired, perpetrators of soul-less, meaningless drivel which exist only because the CRTC has created a competition-free range for the musically-disabled. We hate them because under CanCon we have listen to them, and they're rarely any good.

And that's important, we're talking mainstream here. So before you blast me for there being a lot of great Canadian music out there, I know. Trust me. Listen, the Guess Who (before CanCon) were awesome. Sadly we got to know Randy Bachmann a little too well, thanks to the CBC, and have come to realize that he is a twat. On the other hand I cheered when Moxy Fruvous broke up– they sounded to me like how mime looks –but was pleased with the Gian Gohmeshi acquisition the same venerable institution made.

The point is that we are constantly bamboozled by the same three chords being hollered by men who sound like they're passing un-husked lychee nuts out of their urethra. On our radio station we play Faber Drive. They sound no different from Finger 11, or The Stereos in that they make up for quality by drowning out bad singing by beating a guitar against a bass drum. Faber Drive, by the way, was discovered by, and signed to, Chad Kroeger's label. I don't know about you, but he may be a greater threat than H1N1.

And I won't even get into our writing, only to say that Bloodletting and Other Miraculous Cures has permanently jaded The Giller Prize for me. Stick to doctoring Vincent Lam, you witless jerk, at least that way you can heal the people that are injured by reading your terrible schlock.

I need you to tell me: what the hell is going?

Why is Canadian-made entertainment so broodle, eh?